Ray brought home a tree big enough to go in Times Square. I'm not sure where he got it (chopped it down himself!) or how he got it up the elevator.

Nin, who came over to bring me sushi and visit (I gave him a couple of the onesies Paige gave me to shred, peace offerings so he wouldn't shred the rest or eat Hana) went a little batshit crazy over the tree. Once we got it "standing" (aka leaning in the corner), Nin decided to climb it. There was a bird's nest inside somewhere and at some point he turned into his feline and now there are bits of nest and feathers everywhere...

And as crazy as it all was, it made me deliriously happy. Even Nin complaining about my "vegetarian shit" that he had to buy me because I can't have the fish and Ray looking like he fell off a cliff.

It's been a good day.

Dax said he's going to send me a full run down of the shower chaos tomorrow.

Well, I'm officially on bed rest. Not that I have to stay IN BED, but I can't do a ton of stuff, I'm supposed to stay in, no heavy lifting, etc. Nothing that will stress Clara out and she realizes there's no emergency exit. It's boring so far, so I've ordered some puzzle books. Dani and Po are going to come out next week (apparently, I found out today) to help get the condo ready. We still need to get Clara's room set up and what not. Baby proof things.

Ray has been home a lot more, which has been very nice. Things are so calm and normal... which is weird, but in a nice way.

I have not heard how the "shower" went today. I'm surprised Dax hasn't called me yet. I hope it was horrendous.

"They wanna hear the thanksgiving song! All right.."
"This is uhh, This is the Thanksgiving Song"
"I hope you enjoy it."

[Starts playing]
Love to eat turkey
Love to eat turkey

[Shout from Crowd:] "I love you Adam!"
[Adam Sandler:] "Ohhh, I love you!"
Love to eat turkey
'Cause it's good
Love to eat turkey
Like a good boy should
'Cause it's turkey to eat
So good

[Adam Sandler:] "That clappin's messing my head up man. I appreciate it.
But I was trying to think of the next line and all I hear is clapping.
Here we go... Thanks anyways"

Turkey for me
Turkey for you
Let's eat the turkey
In my big brown shoe
Love to eat the turkey
At the table
I once saw a movie
With Betty Grable
Eat that turkey
All night long
Fifty million Elvis fans
Can't be wrong
Turkey lurkey doo and
Turkey lurkey dap
I eat that turkey
Then I take a nap

Thanksgiving is a special night
Jimmy Walker used to say Dynomite
That's right
Turkey with gravy and cranberry
Can't believe the Mets traded Darryl Strawberry
Turkey for you and
Turkey for me
Can't believe Tyson
Gave that girl V.D.

White meat, dark meat
You just can't lose
I fell off my moped
And I got a bruise
Turkey in the oven
And the buns in the toaster
I'll never take down
My Cheryl Tiegs poster
Wrap the turkey up
In aluminum foil
My brother likes to masturbate
With baby oil
Turkey and sweet potato pie
Sammy Davis Jr.
Only had one eye

Turkey for the girls and
Turkey for the boys
My favorite kind of pants
Are corduroys
Gobble gobble goo and
Gobble gobble gickel
I wish turkey
Only cost a nickel
Oh I love turkey on Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!

OMGLAWANDORDERSVUWASSOABSOLUTELYAWESOMEITWASAREALLYGOODEPISODEANDOMGOMGOMGOMG

Eleanor is back in town. I told Ray I was tired and needed to go home. I fell asleep before I could really say hi. I think we're going to spend some time at the house or just out of the city. I don't know.

We're in my apartment. I've spent the day sort of rummaging around through boxes. Things that came with me, the very few things that came with me. Most of it followed me in boxes, sent by Po or Dani. Most of them I never opened.

I found one that had my old journals, ones I kept a long time ago when I was in school. They stopped about the time I started dating Brad. But I can't even blame him, because they had started to stop before then, before the wedding. Skimming through my old entries I can see how unhappy I was with Chace. Worse than unhappy, fake happy. Pretend happy. I'd rather be apathetic.

There was one entry I found from before I graduated, when I was doing my summer internship at a little hospital in Connecticut.

July 12, 2001

Some days I forget that this is a psychiatric unit. I've been here since May and the majority of the patients we get are here for detox. Sometimes detox and depression or anxiety or bipolar, but always with the detox issues. Okay, just usually. We've had a couple depressed/suicidal patients, a couple bipolars off their meds... but no one who you would say is "crazy". No one you'd look at and think "Okay, this is what insanity looks like." I should have know better than to expect it. This is real life, not Hollywood, people don't actually look like.

And then I met Joe. Obviously that's not his name, HIPPA and all that. Joe is crazy. 100% certifiably crazy. He's Schizoaffective, bipolar type with prominent psychotic features, current episode manic, polysubstance abuser, with a whole slew of Axis II junk. Oh and a TBI. That sure as hell doesn't help. He's been in and out of treatment his whole life.

He looks the part. He looks crazy. He's fat, dirty, smelly, loud, has no front teeth and scary. He stares at you intensely with too-wide eyes and a blunted affect. He is the type of person who if you saw him walking down the street, you'd turn around and walk the other way. He stands too close when he talks to you and he says all sorts of crazy things about the government and his old employer who he worked for in the 80s and doesn't even exist anymore (but he'll talk about it like he is).

The other patients shy away from him. They are afraid of him. He makes them nervous. They don't like how he smells. "He's a bad person and he doesn't belong here." Okay miss "I-shoot-up-15-bags-of-heroin-a-day". Okay mr "I-spent-my-kid's-college-fund-on-booze". Judge away, you bunch of hypocrits with your rotting out teeth and your clothes that smells like you washed it in chewing tobacco. You who sits on the outside of the circle and puts no effort into their own treatment. You're going to relapse. You're clueless. You think you can go home and handle six beers a night. Well some day it's going to handle you.

For nearly ten years that man lead a fairly successful life. This is after his TBI, after having lived his life with an illness that has left him uncertain of reality, after having done his share of drugs, after a stint in Osbourndale and another in Whiting because they realized, "hey, this guy isn't all right in the head". After all of that he managed to reform. He managed to survive in a society that is biased against anyone different, who once persecuted people like him as being possessed by demons. He to this day believes the medications he's taking is going to kill him because it's poison, but every day he takes them.

Is he a good person? ...Is that really for us to decide? Would he have ever done those things (bar fights, threatening) if it weren't for his disease? This is a person who if you tell him to jump off a bridge he will. All it took was the girl he likes at the group home to tell him to give her his SSDI check and he did. And she spent it on crack, some of which she told him to smoke and he did. He told him this bawling his eyes out. "I knew it was wrong!" He told me. "But I love her! I love and she said to do it so I did."

He gets it more than you idiots ever will. Every day he swears until he's blue in the face that he won't ever touch drugs again. He'll tell you all about how he ruined his life. He takes responsibility for it. He knew it was wrong. He shows nothing but remorse for that. He thinks he should go to Hell for it, for having hurt the people he cares about, for being "a burden on society". He wants to work. To give back. He goes to a nursing home as often as he can to read and talk to the elderly because "they've done so much for us, for somebody and when I'm old I hope someone has the decency to come and talk to me. They need it." He budgets out every dime of his check so that he can not only get what he needs, but enough so that he can make dinner for his friends, so that he can buy cigarettes for people who can't afford them, coffee for someone in line.

He might be a big loud scary smelly oaf, but he has one of the kindest souls I've ever seen. I wish he'd had the resources back then, back in the beginning of his life he does now, because I think that Joe could have, should have, been a different person. I regret that so few people have the patience to see him for the person he truly is despite his illness, despite his social awkwardness. I wish him all the best.


Occasionally I still get updates from the OT who supervised me back then. He's still here. He'll update me on this one who's back and that one who's back. Patients who will forever be locked into a cycle or periods of relative stability and crisis. Since I left the hospital, since I stopped doing that, I started to just delete them without looking inside. It makes my heart hurt too much. Ray wanted to make sure that I didn't resent him for me leaving work.

I left because I could no longer help the Joes of the world. You cannot help others when you cannot help yourself. I was done with lying to myself, with saying I was okay and that I could handle it. I couldn't. Could I now? Maybe. I'm stronger today than I was then. But I'm not going to go back. I'm not going to turn back and go back into the past. I have my future set ahead of me and I think I did the right thing.

One of these days I will feel up to writing in this again. Probably when Clara is ten years old and I don't feel tired anymore.

My back hurts, I have constant heart burn, I am sick of the smell of the stuff I've been slathering on my belly and my boobs so that I don't get stretch marks (and my tattoo, which Ray does for me after I shower now because I can't reach.)

I'm starving all the time and I feel like I'm always eating. Leda tells me I need to keep eating because at the end of the day I went into this pregnancy practically anorexic and I'm still a little underweight despite the forty pounds I'm carrying on my stomach. The baby is fine, a little small, but I was a low birth weight, my mother was a low birth weight, etc. We're short, light, light-boned people. Uncle Matthew says he used to call my mother Birdy because of it. I don't know why I just thought of that.

Dax sent me an e-mail about the shower, including an invite list. December 5th. I'm having my assistant send out letters to everyone on it saying that I will be on bed rest for the month of December (which I will be) and that in lieu of gifts, they can make donations to Toys for Tots and the Happy Rainbow soup kitchen.

Speaking of soup kitchens, Green Peas will be opening theirs starting next Tuesday until New Years. Longer if people continue to donate. I'll be there for the opening. We're expecting to run out of food, there are so many homeless people, people who can't afford enough food and what not. We can't feed the whole city.

I'm very happy with Keith Olberman right now and the free clinics he's doing. I'm personally donating a hundred grand and the company about half a million to help give them more dates. The state of health care in this country is frankly appalling. I wish I could do more.

And outside of all of this rather superficial stuff there is a lot more I could write about, but I'm not going to. Maybe I will later. I probably won't.

Holy fuck I've been tired lately.

Early mornings I'm wired, really active and hungry. Like 7am-11am. And then I sort of crash after lunch and don't really recover. Leda says it's normal. Lot of changes going on in my body.

But I feel so disconnected from the world. This weekend I'll try to get out a bit, I think. Maybe get Ray to go on a picnic with me before the weather turns too cold. Supposed to be nice tonight.

So disappointed about that SVU episode. That really sucked. I mean, it was a good episode, there was a cuddly moment, but that was it. Sigh. I know they should never get together because that probably means the show will end because hello? How can they stay partners if they're lovers? Oh well.


Ugh. Shrink today. That went.. lovely. Finally talked about me and Ray's sex life. Got exactly the reaction I figured it would. The pursed lips, the round about questions into whether or not it goes too far. Blah blah. It'll probably be a focus of several sessions to come.

I talked a little about my family, especially with this baby shower they are supposedly throwing. Late November, early December, Dax said. I am planning on saying I'll go and then sending midget strippers instead. My therapist called it avoiding. I call it funny. I hate most of my family.

I've been keeping in touch with Swan by e-mail. She's going to school and whatnot.


Uh, my brain turned off. Nap now.

I'm tired today. I've slept on and off all day. It's rainy and cold and gross.

And last night I ended up going out rather late to get some hot chocolate and stopped by the tavern in time to walk Des home before he had a seizure. Teddy was there to take care of him, I wasn't right there with him, but I was there. Teddy made me some of these great meatless hot dogs and I stuck around until Des had woken up, made sure he was comfortable then went home.

I can't wait for SVU soon. Benson/Stabler teaser shipping?! They are so cruel to tease that. Sigh.

I can totally understand why people want Ray so much. Cops are so hot.

I found this cute little park last night. I didn't feel like going out to the tavern, but after seeing my therapist I didn't really want to stay in. I'm liking these sessions less and less. I like my therapist, it's not that I mind talking about this stuff, but it's so... contrived. It's one thing if you're in a crisis and you need to talk to someone Right Now, but I end up going in and when she asks me what I want to talk about I just shrug. There doesn't feel like there's anything to talk about.

Everything is going well. Ray and I have both been a little tired. Him feeling his age (probably) and me getting more and more tired the more pregnant I get. Leda said it'd be like that. But I'm not even sleeping well. Or not for long at least. Four hours spurts, just more often.

But things between Ray and I are good. Going out on that date the other night was sweet and perfect. Absolutely perfect. Clara has quieted down a lot. She seems to kick the most when I'm taking a bath.. or sleeping. Both not very good times to get Ray to feel. But we listen to the heart monitor every night. I am starting to get way more hungry and some strange cravings. I mostly want sweet and sour things.

Anyway, but I went for a walk last night and I found this little park. Reminds me of some of the small parks in New York (or I guess Chicago, too, although I don't know too many). It takes up a whole block and there are a lot of beautiful trees. There's a playground with swings and stuff and a fountain and a big pavilion with a huge corner fireplace. It wasn't lit, but it seemed like it'd be rather cozy.

There was also a soccer field on one end and on one corner was my favorite thing: Artie, the guy selling hot dogs. Not Chicago, style dogs that suck (Sorry Ray) but good old fashioned, New York styled dogs with all the crap you could ever want on one. Unfortunately he (and most New York carts) don't have turkey or tofu dogs, so boo. But every now and again I'll eat a pork frank. But I can't right now, because of the nitrates, but he also had pretzels and that spicy mustard. They are fresh baked every day. His son who owns a bakery somewhere in town (note to self: look it up) makes them and drops them off during the day if Artie needs more. He's a sweet little man, probably close to seventy.

The place just reminded me of being back in the city. Being back in SoHo at the Rainbow with Po and Robbie and Dani and them.

I'll probably go back some time. There's a covenience store and a little cafe (I don't know the name of it, just says 'cafe' on the awning) right across the street, next to the parking lot. There's some more little shops down that way, going away from the park and more towards the tavern (this is a few blocks away, not too far from the garden).

Everything else seems like residential. Brownstone type places mostly with a couple small apartment buildings. Very quiet looking, quaint. Not busy  like some other of the modern sections of the city or post-apocalyptic like the rest.

I think I might go back, whenever I need some place different. It's called Story Park.

Time to go get something to eat. I think I want some lo mein.


(Story Park is just a standard AOL room. Feel free to join me or to open it. The only NPC you need to worry about is Artie. He's there 11am-11pm most days. During the week he might leave earlier. He'll tell you his life story while giving you the most fattening hot dog you've ever had.

The fireplace in the pavilion takes up one corner and has plenty of wood nearby and quick start logs. Can get matches from Artie or the convenience store. There are trash cans with ashtrays outside, but the pavilion itself is marked as no smoking. Hey, it's a park!

You can see the layout of the park and the playscape [to be added soon if it's not up yet] on the website above.

Just another room to add a little bit more variety on occasion.)

So, a few interesting things happened.

Ray finally got to feel Clara moving, which has been a big deal. He almost missed her and she hasn't been back for him since. But she's getting stronger and moving more and more, so soon he'll be feeling her every day. I ended up not giving him the heart monitor, but I think maybe it's time to. It's real for him now, really really real.

Des gave us a bunch of pumpkins and hard squashes and stuff. The turnips I'm not sure what I'll do with yet, maybe a soup, but I made pumpkin bread out of one of the pumpkins. I gave one loaf to Des, I'll keep one for us and then one to Blue and one to Ren. I roasted the seeds, too. Honey chipotle this year! 

Nin attacked my favorite pair of non-heeled boots. They're big, black and super furry. They are warm and comfortable and just as crazy as I am. They are a close second behind my Forever Tina's, which I cannot always get into these days. A bit tight. :C 

Anyway, so he ripped bits out and Ray dumped coffee on him and Des fixed them for me. He fixed them up REAL good. I hope Nin tries to attack them again sometime soon. He's in for a big surprise.

So. Ray is... I don't know if he's mad at me or what for going to see his parents yesterday. He seemed rather anxious when I got home and not entirely pleased.

It was an interesting visit. His mom was floored when she opened the door and there I am standing on the other side looking very pregnant. Then she invited me in and offered me food and his dad sort of grunted at me, congratulated me and then told me to kick his ass.

They already knew of course, because his mom reads all of those trash mags, although she didn't say how she knew. She just gave me all of these blue hats and booties--I guess the rumor is it's a boy. I of course told her it's a girl, but I sort of waffled on the name. She asked if we'd thought of names and I said yes, but then Clara started kicking and she forgot all about the question and his even his dad seemed excited. I swear he looked like he might burst out into tears, but he did a manly sniff and then went back to watching sports.

So I talked to Ray's mom for a while, the longest conversation I've had with the woman and she asked questions about the co-op since it's been in the papers so much (flyers and what not). She hedged a little, because it's not something Ray'd ever told them. It never came up that I come from money and it seemed like something that was a bit of a rub. I mean, obviously they know NOW, but it's just not something we'd ever talked about.

I also told her about the house in South Carolina. I wasn't going to, but I showed her pictures. Told her that as soon as all of the furniture is in and everything is all finished up, that they're welcome to go down whenever they'd like. She sort of passed over the subject with a lot of "oh that's nice, dear"s and "isn't it lovely?"s.

And I invited them to come to dinner on some unspecified future date. I told them I'd have to talk to Ray and his dad snorted. But I promised and I'll keep my promise. Besides, there are a whole mess of pink hats and booties that I'll be getting.

I can tell already I'm not going to like this whole therapy thing. I get on fine with my therapist and all, but I guess I'm too comfortable with the way I am. There's a whole mess of problems with that, but whatever.

We spent most of today's session talking about my childhood. Yay. Talking about abandonment and detachment issues. It's not like I had a bad childhood. It was just filled with a lot of very cold people. The few family members I did get along with died or I didn't see very much. Dax was pretty much the only one I saw all the time, which obviously developed into a strange brother-sister thing. I mean, I guess he's closer to me than he is to Miranda, his sister.

And obviously my therapist thinks a lot of my emotional issues and relationship issues stem from the lack of emotional contact I had as a kid. Duh. I'm very aware of that. It's hardly news.

The only other thing we talked about is how Ray and I haven't told his parents yet that I'm pregnant. We said we were going to, but never did. I think tonight I might go over there, take matters into my own hands.

They should know, right? Even though they probably already know since I'm on Bump Watch every week.

That's it. I'm going over there tonight. No ifs ands or buts.

I'm... sad today. Down.

I was really looking forward to going to Carolina to see the house. They house I built for us. I saw it before all the painting was done and the floors were done and hell, not even all of the walls were done to do that with them. It looks amazing and not as big as it did when they poured the foundation. I mean it still looks huge, but standing in the middle of the flattened lot and looking around made it look so massive. Being inside it seems spacious, but not overwhelming.

 I built it with the thought that some day this could be where we spend a lot of our days. A lot of our summers, at least and winters when it's gotten too cold and Ray's knee is acting up. It has everything we need plus more than enough room to grow and have fun. It might be a little over ambitious with having four bedrooms (not including the guest suite downstairs, but including the master) but who knows? I know Ray is nervous about Clara and I know it won't be easy on us, but maybe two. Maybe.

Clara has started to kick. I keep rushing to find Ray once it happens, but I'm always too late. They aren't very strong yet and I'm not sure you can even feel them through my stomach, yet, but soon they will be. I want him to feel it.

I bought a little heart monitor for home. It's expensive and useless otherwise, but I was planning on busting it out while we were at the house, curled up in the king sized bed in the master suite or taking a bath together in the whirlpool tub or sitting on the balcony watching the sun go down over Claude's pond, when the moment is just right and he can listen.

I might just give it to him tonight. He looks like he could use that pick me up.

He is my man, my lover, my husband. If this were a comfortable distance, I'd be fine. Every relationship needs that. But he seems withdrawn from me and I do not like it. I don't like it at all.

So, I had my appointment with my new shrink yesterday. She's not the one I saw before, I couldn't get an appointment with him and I didn't really want to go back there anyways. It's been a very long time and I don't really like the connection to what I used to be.

I really valued my job as a therapist. I valued the work I did for people. I helped people. I was the steady one. Feeling like I'm no longer steady is not a very good feeling.

I was very anxious being there and all it was was an intake evaluation. History. Why I'm there. She's okay, this woman. Dr. Harper. Very laid back, artsy, but focused and directed. She's not one of those Freudian idiots that just stares at you and lets you ramble. I hate that crap. I am more about action.

She recommended meeting an hour a week for a couple of months just to lay some groundwork and then see where we need to go from there. I'm not depressed, I don't usually have anxiety. I have grief. I'm in a jumble. She's not a psychiatrist and she said she wasn't going to recommend one right now. I'm self-pay so it's not like I need to worry about insurance companies and what they want to see. How they think people need to be treated.

I don't know how this is going to go right now. Going into the appointment I didn't even feel like I needed it. Things have been good, other than Ray's weirdness and confusion. I can't believe he thought I wanted to go together, do a couple thing. It's really odd to me that he thought that. I mentioned him coming with me sometime, because it would help us. But I never said anything about couple's therapy, I don't think. I never meant that. It's just weird. Maybe it's what he wants? I don't know if that would help us. I'm not sure I'd really want to go to that. I don't want someone to examine our sex life and call us deviants and question our motives... That dynamic should stay the way it is. We don't need someone putting ideas into Ray's head about possibly being an abusive husband, which is the first thing they'll say. It's always the first thing they say. It's abnormal, it's questionable. But it's what we like and that's that.

Whatever. We didn't really talk about anything today. You don't normally during the first appointment. We'll see if it actually goes anywhere. I sort of doubt it will.

Pineapple coconut, stuffed pancakes.

Omelets made with farm fresh eggs.

Eggo waffles.


Best way to improve a bad day.

What was that about empty threats? 

I don't know who is more banged up, me or him.

Oh man. I guess there just wasn't anywhere good at the station.

But damn that lo mein was tasty.

That was a... weird night. Did I know the Petyr was gay? I don't remember. But apparently his man-friend had a dick ring. And Ray had to ASK about it.

We'd been talking about piercings, Petyr has one in his navel and I guess nipple rings, too? Which seems so odd for him. He's so timid and quiet! But maybe it is the quiet ones, you know, that are the craziest.

I was showing Tyg my microdermals and explaining them. I mentioned that I had to take out my navel ring and my nipple rings.. though I wasn't specific enough because Tyg thought I had a clit ring! Oi!

Of course I've thought about it, but I really don't think I need any extra help in that department. At all. Oi! 

Ray saw his shrink. I need to make an appointment. I'll see if I can't see the guy I used to see at the hospital. We clicked and that's important.

We saw this couple role-playing up on the porch. Like, he dragged her off and tried to stick her in his trunk. They were trying not to laugh all through it, so it was obviously put on... but Ray was a little fascinated by it. I have no interest in being shut in a trunk. I know he doesn't either, given his history.

He said it meant a lot of trust. And sure, I'd trust him to do that. I just really don't want to do it. Maybe if it were something I WANTED to do, I'd let him.

But it did get me thinking... What about the rest of it? I didn't want to say anything while we were on the porch, because people were there, but.. I don't know. Sitting somewhere, not expecting it, and he snatches me away, ties me up and has his way with me? Not too far from what we already do. But is that getting into too much deviance? 

Sometimes I worry about that. Not a lot, mind you, but sometimes. Will we ever go too far? There's only been one time he did something I really didn't like (hitting me in the face) and has never done it again since I told him.

Who knows. Who knows if I'll ever even mention this to him.

Gah. I don't like feeling out of whack like this.

I go through it every couple of weeks and every once in a while it's really bad. I know it's the baby growing and getting bigger and stronger.. and more babylike. I've already been pregnant longer than last time and obviously I know this time so I'm more aware of the changes going on in my body. I don't remember feeling short and snippish like this.

I don't like it. There's nothing the matter with me. Now that Himmel is taken care of (don't want to think about that right now) things can go back normal. But I'm too on edge to go back to normal. Not completely, not yet.

And last night... I don't know what to ask. I don't know what to ask and have it not sound like I don't know him. We didn't spend years getting to know each other before we got married, we're still getting to know each other even now... But it feels weird to me. It's a jab to me. I know what I think is the most important things and everything else is just there. It might have been different if we weren't out in public, but you never know who is listening in at the tavern. Hell, there have been times when I sat in the alley and just listened to the voices, before Ray and I were together, back when not everyone was so keen on me.

Maybe it was because I was reading through my journals yesterday, from when I first came here to Rhydin. And remembering very keenly those feelings. How it felt to be ignored and stared at--and glared at. Insulted, put down, warned off.

Sigh. Ray owes me pancakes.